Fed on romantic literature, girls fall easy prey to male predators watching them from the fringes of society. Here’s how to save yourself from sure heartbreak

That is the fallout of an overprotective upbringing, I guess. As little girls, and especially those educated in convent schools, we are all warned to be wary of anything in pants. As a result, you kind of grow up a doubting Jane and learn to be super careful.

Watching a couple in their mid-30s with two young children talk intimately and smile at each other in the Shatabdi train, brought a smile to my face. It is heartening to see a married couple of some years with eyes only for each other. God knows there are so few around.

Interestingly, I had seen another on my way to the station in Chandigarh; a Sikh couple, well past middle-age eating chaat at a roadside vendor’s and talking animatedly with each other. “It’s praying and eating together at the gurdwara that keeps them so close to each other,” explained my mother, as she saw me admiring them.

However, truthfully, the only cases where we can say one is stuck with a wrong spouse are those of domestic abuse, unhealthy practices such as substance abuse or chronic infidelity. The rest, I believe, can all be overcome.Maudlin self-pity, the resort of the weak and cowardly, keeps us from taking a hard look at ourselves and examining if we really made the effort to do better in life and marriage, or were just content with our lot? Did we even make an effort to make the marriage work, rather than take refuge in declaring we got married to the wrong person? Do we even know who is, or was, the right person to marry? The truth is that there is no such one right person to marry. It is all very romantic to believe in soulmates and the one person God made for you, but the practical truth is that the success of a marriage lies not so much as in marrying the right person, as in adopting the right attitude towards your marriage and partner.

What then is the right attitude that ensures your marriage isn’t wrong? The most important is the sincere intention to make your marriage work. Mutual respect comes a close second, followed by patience and the ability to strike an emotional interdependence and so, form an enduring attachment. It is important to surmount your ego and never stop making efforts to keep up a channel of constant interaction and some shared interest. The important thing to remember is it is never too late, if you make the right effort. You would be surprised; scratch the surface and you may find your partner just as eager to meet you half-way.

It is easy to figure out the health status of a marriage by just watching a couple when they are together or out amongst other people. Indeed, my respect for a man goes up several notches after studying the body language of his wife. Is she confident and fearless as she talks? Does she have an opinion to share? If yes, then she has surely been given due regard and space in her marital home. And if a man is well-groomed and steady, surely he is well-looked after and respected at home.

So either all of us are married ‘wrong’ or all of us are married ‘right’. I tend to believe the latter.

I am generally pretty optimistic, focussing on the sunnier side of things. A typical Sagittarian, I would ideally try to shoot an arrow over the rainbow, so I can see both, sunshine and a rainbow together. So fascinated I am by the silver edges that I often fail to notice dark clouds. Heck, I even prefer my eggs sunny side up, never turned over easy.

And yet, when it comes to trusting men, there is an innate wariness in me that borders on cynicism. A man has to work twice as hard as a woman to prove himself to me. I am aware of the unfairness of that statement, but that’s how it is. Of course once the trust is earned, it is steady.

If you were to listen to Najib  election rhetoric, that’s the honest takeaway. There’s so much chest thumping about how  prime minister displayed his penchant for sexual innuendo – which might be fine in his party but is unbecoming of top office.The last time was early this month when he praised his wife at the close of the Umno general assembly, saying “Mungkin malam ini akan dapat bayaran (maybe tonight, I will be rewarded)” to laughter from the audience.

Ironically, Malaysians can be prudish when it comes to sex but the politicians seem inured and enjoy such banter without thinking that it reflects a crude or even uncouth behaviour.

The rise of polygamy in MCA

Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Razak mentioned “political viagra” today to stimulate MCA to greater heights.

In our affluent age, exotic indulgences, such as maintaining a concubine, are on the increase

At the root of the Deepak Bhardwaj murder controversy, as with many other violent crimes, is an extramarital affair with a much younger woman. As is the practice with philandering men of means, the BSP leader and business tycoon had set up his 28-year-old mistress in an apartment and even shared the profits of his business with her. Bhardwaj got killed, and so the beans were spilled. But many more Bhardwajs carry on nonchalantly with younger women who pander to their vanity and ego, tucked away in apartments. It’s a dangerous game involving the explosive cocktail of passion and money!

For it is the rich who can afford such exotic indulgences. Take the case of China, where concubines have re-emerged as a trend. According to Chinese media reports, young women are increasingly interested in taking on married men as lovers in exchange for a car or an apartment. For the men, it is a status symbol to acquire a concubine, who is as much a commodity as a luxury car or mansion — it is a mark of having acquired high status. Shenzhen near Hong Kong, the world’s largest manufacturing centre and China’s richest economic zone, has acquired the dubious reputation of a “paradise of girls” that attracts Hong Kong men with its “street angels” or prostitutes, and the tempting possibility of easy-to-support mistresses or concubines.

Women from poor villages across China come here not so much to look for a job as to land a rich man who will maintain them as concubines. The practice is so widespread that there are “concubine villages” in Shenzhen that have hundreds of women living in spacious apartments funded by wealthy lovers. These are as near the border as possible, so that rich Chinese men can leave work early, enjoy a rendezvous with their mistress and still get home to their family in time for dinner! It is not uncommon for a man to have two to three such mistresses in separate apartments!

Humans, we are told, are by nature polygamous, and men more so. Experts explain that each human being has three centres of love and emotions — passion, attachment and romance. All three need not be satisfied by the same person at all times, and humans are attracted to new partners in an attempt to fulfill these basic needs. You may enjoy romance with one person, mutual confidences with another, and sex with yet another.

Historically, the world has frowned upon polyandry (one woman with two or more men), while tolerating, if not outright encouraging by legalising, polygyny (one man with multiple sexual partners). In this one aspect, nothing seems to have changed. Even today, a woman entertaining more than one lover at a time will find much less empathy than a man doing the same.

Polygyny is legally permissible in some cultures, while polyandry has never found support. Even in the rarest of rare cases of a woman with more than one man, the husbands have almost always been from the same family, as was the case with Draupadi married to the five Pandavas. This is so because wealth is controlled mostly by men, making it easier for them to run a harem of women rather than the other way round. Also, consider biological factors; men have more to gain with multiple partners than women. Evolutionary biologists say polygamy is good for men, but not so for women. If a woman gets pregnant, a polygamous man can still have sex/children with his other partners, whereas after pregnancy a polyandrous woman cannot satisfy any of her men for quite some time. The practice of polygyny was rampant in the hunter-gatherer and tribal societies from which we evolved. Then, as well as now, it has remained the preserve of the rich and well-established. Monogamy came to be socially imposed in ancient Greece and Rome, and was later actively encouraged by Christianity. Though today Western society frowns upon polygamy, it is still legal in many non-western societies, particularly Islamic and some African countries that allow a man to have multiple partners.

Interestingly, Michael Price from the Psychology Department of Brunel University West London, equates serial monogamists such as Donald Trump and Larry King, who divorce older wives and marry younger women, as polygamists too, since they also monopolise the reproductive years of a number of women. In that sense, all celebrities, stars, prominent sportsmen and business tycoons with a series of women, can be termed polygamists as well!

“We need political Viagra. Low in spirit, MCA has members at the grassroots level but they have no fire.

“Later, we will ask the Health Minister to do this,” the Barisan Nasional (BN) chairman said when opening the party’s annual general meeting in Kuala Lumpur.

Ironically, Malaysians can be prudish when it comes to sex but the politicians seem inured and enjoy such banter without thinking that it reflects a crude or even uncouth behaviour.

More so for those who occupy high office in the country, especially the political aristocracy.

Malaysians have been told countless times to respect the office of those in high government posts, even if they have no respect for the officer bearer.

But it is time that those who hold such post also show some respect – for the other gender, if not just for the office

We all know that some men are forever on the prowl. The men who are misfits in society, the mysterious loners who hold an allure for unsuspecting girls. Lesson to learn? Be suspicious. Mothers warn their daughters against exactly these men while, ironically, literature has romanticised the same breed of men – the strong and silent type. Remember Mr Rochester in Jane Eyre? Mr Darcy in Pride and Prejudice? Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights?Even Howard Roark in The Fountainhead? Or a Mills & Boon hero? The more brooding and difficult they are, the greater their appeal. Each one of them is a perfect example of a sociopath who amazingly changes colour once he meets ‘the right girl’.

Goodness, are we on our way to becoming cynical with regard to matrimonial bliss minus special divine blessing? I hope not. But the number of unhappy, disgruntled couples one comes across does make one wonder. A few years into matrimony, once the initial charm wears off, most start believing they have married the wrong partner. As the march of years weighs one down and the panic of approaching mortality strikes, it is common to list marriage to the ‘wrong’ person as one of life’s biggest regrets. This is the easiest way of externalising all blame for what one perceives as failures of life. It is easy to imagine that you could have achieved more and been a happier person, had you married someone else.

This regret is not unlike the hypothetical thought — “Had I been born richer, wealthier, better looking, I would have done far better in life!” The only difference is that you cannot hold yourself responsible for the facts of your birth, but you have only yourself to congratulate orblame for your choice of a partner.The more choice one has, thegreater the stress and scope for regret and what-ifs. You do not blameparents, siblings or children as being ‘wrong’ for you; since you never got to choose them, you just accept and work around them. But that doesn’t hold true of your spouse. You choose him or her out of many, and so keep wondering all through life, if you did actually end up with the ‘right’ one. And the fact that you wonder, is what causes the problem.

Also, romantic literature and art have infused unhappiness in love with a certain romanticism that seems attractive. So, it is not uncommon to see lovers of literature indulging their romanticism by imagining themselves trapped in marriage with the wrong partner. One such ‘sufferer’ dramatically told me in a conversation, “I am leading a suffocating life, with no ventilator for self-expression.”

And herein begins the problem that plagues our fair sex. All girls fed on a diet of impossible romance start dreaming of a sociopath they can help change and claim as their very own Darcy. That makes it easier for the predators lounging silently on the fringes of society. They recognise this and understand a woman’s emotions and responses much better than she does herself. They know exactly which string to pull to manipulate her.

These men play upon a woman’s irrepressible romantic instinct and her compulsion to love and mould another human being. So anyone off the beaten track interests and excites women. If he has an artistic streak, all the better, because it suggests greater sensitivity harboured within, awaiting her love to wash him in a new light. He knows this and plays the game well, fascinating her with his dark moods and sudden spurts of heart-melting romance. And so, all bad boys find well-meaning little women, eager to please and hoping to change them.

But goodness, is she in for a huge heartbreak?! Yes, because the sociopath is incapable of loving anyone but himself. He will romance her wildly, get her hooked and then move on to the next victim. The poor girls forget that most of the romantic novels end at the point where the hero unites with the heroine, without talking of the undoubtedly awful marriage the two will have. For, how can a man full of himself, focussed on his own needs and incapable of loving another, be good husband material?

For all those girls out there fed on romantic literature, here are a few tips on how to recognise the predator who feeds on nice girls. You may still get swept off your feet, but at least you’ll have been warned:

• Anyone who is unbelievably good has to be unreal. This may sound cynical, but when have you ever seen a perfect hero walk out of a book or movie and enter your life? The good guys are the real guys, the ones with all their foibles and follies, the ones who forget to wish you on your special day, but are always there to pick up the broken pieces when you most need them.
• Watch out for flowery compliments that ring untrue. While some concession can be made for a heart touched by romance, an overflow of compliments that are unbelievable even to your own ears should be taken with fistfuls of salt.

• He is charming, but just when you are most bemused and starry-eyed, just when you are slipping under the spell, step back and take another hard look at him beyond his hypnotic eyes. Is the charm superficial or genuine?

• Most rakes are pathological liars. If you happen to catch his lie, do not take it lightly. Be alert and watch out for further untruths.
• Most sociopaths have a grandiose sense of themselves. They will exaggerate and try to portray themselves as highly important. This may or may not be to impress you; it is just the way they are.

• Their emotions are pretty shallow and sociopaths rarely have friends.You will be able to figure this out by checking on his relations with relatives and friends.

• They have poor control over their emotions and find it difficult to control their anger or irritation. They also do not respond with emotion to good or bad news.

• A sociopath will not find it easy to apologise. In fact, he will almost never accept his fault, preferring to blame others.Recognise anyone close to you? If you do, put a hand over your heart and run miles away if you wish to avoid a major heartbreak…